Confessions of a Twenty-Something Indian Girl #1

With everything that is going on in the world right now I felt inclined to submit this post that has been sat in my drafts for about 4 years. 

Unless you have been living under a rock, then you will have seen that the Black Lives Matter movement is bigger than ever right now and with that, I am seeing so many wonderful people all over my platforms sharing their own stories, all in the spirit of raising awareness and tackling racism. 

Before I go any further, in fear of any of you clicking out of this without getting to the bottom. I wanted to show you this dope ass document that Nandini Mitra (@_nmtr on Twitter) compiled which has all the ways you can help support the Black Lives Matter movement from the UK. Please please read it. Link below!

Practical ways to support BLM from the UK

So I’m gonna do something a little out of the ordinary today, I know I normally hit you with the fashion or beauty posts but I want to delve into lifestyle a bit. The lifestyle of the rich and the famous… No I’m jk. The lifestyle of a young, Indian woman.

I plan to have another post coming discussing BLM and what I have learnt, but I'm still gathering info for that, so today I have my own story to tell. 

You will have noticed in the header that this says #1, that is because I have MANY stories to tell and I may continue to do so. That's right, many stories where I have had to endure some sort of racial discrimination. 

I was so scared to post this over the years from fear of receiving offensive comments, in fact the first draft of it was almost like I was apologetic for being a POC. Every so often I would come back to this post, add more to it then save it to drafts but today I am posting it. It's important we share our stories and call racism out at every given opportunity. 

Today's story focuses on Brexit, but I will start with a little background info. So I would say that my whole life I have grown up and remained in predominantly white areas. For example, in Primary school I was one of 3 children in my whole year that was Asian and because I wasn’t Sikh like the others (who often wear identifiable items like a Kara or Pagg) and had very fair skin, I genuinely thought I was white. I know, how embarrassing? Luckily I can laugh about that now.

I think the worst direct racist remark I ever received in Primary School was ‘Burnt Toast’ which in comparison to what a lot of other people have had to experience isn't too bad, but racism is racism so don’t get me wrong, I kicked her so hard in the shin she cried and grassed on me.

I got to secondary school where yet again, I was in an unbelievable minority. I think there were around 10 of us in the whole year maybe? It wasn’t something that ever bothered me in my school years because I was so freaking whitewashed and I thought I was seen as the same. It's only now when I think back on it that I remember all the comments I received about my dark body hair or my sideburns ( I started shaving when I was 13 to avoid this ridicule), or all the curry and corner shop jokes that were made in class, or that absolutely sickening impression white people do of a South Asian accent. One kid once actually asked my if I could blush and go red because I'm brown. Ugh.

But all in all, I came out of school fine, these comments were nothing I couldn't handle.

That was until I started working in a professional work place with actual grown adults all above the age of 40 who have already educated themselves and formed all their views on world issues. AKA The Karen's.

Everyone I worked with was white. They are all from the countryside so live approx. 30 mins away from me in the city. Little did I know that even though there is such a short distance between us, we are worlds apart.  I’m being polite here, what I really want to say is that they were rude and SO narrow-minded living in their little Countryside bubble.

I am not at all talking about every country bumpkin, and in fact, most of my closest friends actually live out in the fields and have completely sensible views. Maybe it's because they are younger? I dunno, I'm not painting them all with the same brush. 

So, this mainly began when the referendum came about. I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I voted Remain, I did thorough research and I didn't believe everything I saw Nigel Farage spout on the TV. I appreciate it can be a sensitive topic and if you voted leave after doing your own research and have genuine reasons for doing so, I respect that completely. I will be the first to admit that the media did not provide us with healthy information regarding the vote.

Of course we live in a democracy and you can vote in any which way you choose. I have zero qualms about that, and it's not at all the point of this story. But we all know the impact it had on the country when the results came out in terms of racial discrimination. I still get so angry thinking about it tbh. 

But I digress. 

Ohhhhh my days. These people I worked with didn’t care about the real issues and how it will genuinely affect our country, they just wanted all the immigrants out! These are actual people that I was having to speak to and be in the same room as all day, 5 days a week. You would think being in a room with someone who isn’t white, they’d maybe tone it down a little. But no, they even tried to convince me they were right and I should agree with them. 

A few examples of what I would hear on a daily basis:

“My child is in a primary school and over 50% of the children there are Romanian or Polish or Pakistani, I don't want her to go there anymore.”

Yeah, and????? Your child is gonna learn about diversity at such a young age, she’s going to learn to see past someone’s skin colour. I think that’s fantastic, maybe you could learn something from her.

"Ugh, I swear that all post offices are owned by Indian's!" or "The Polish have come here and taken all the jobs in the factories."

Okay, so they aren't able to make a living? Change the narrative for once in your life, instead of continuing to criticise work ethic and hey let's not forget these "immigrants" do all the jobs you don't want to. 

"Oh great, the P*ki's are coming in." *receives a horrified look from myself* "Oh don't worry I can say that, I dated an Indian woman once."

No. Hell no, you can't say that racial derogatory slur. Sorry mate, but you dating an Indian women doesn't justify a single thing and to be frank, if she let you use that slur around her, then she is as disgusting as you are. 

These are honestly just a snippet but they were so passive aggressive with the way they would say things, they would abuse anybody that wasn't white for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, but now I clearly see they were just very racist people and once they saw my expression they'd finish their sentence with "not like you though."

It was infuriating. I was only 20 years old and found it almost impossible to argue with them as they would all gang up together and try to make me feel stupid. With age I have found it easier to have these challenging conversations, but do appreciate it can be so hard in certain circumstances. So I do genuinely sympathise with anyone who has had to just sit there and take it when surrounded by ignorant assholes. 

Please don't be so hard on yourself, change will come and you should be proud you're on the right side of this fight for freedom.

I am a British citizen, born and raised in England. I am proud of that, I love England but I am also extremely proud of my heritage. I used to be so embarrassed of being Indian and my culture, such as the clothes and the food, all because I felt like I had to suppress it so I could fit in with everyone else.

In certain times in my life I have been made to feel that my family and I are not welcome here, and that we are just seen as brown people who have invaded their country (when it was actually the other way around, but they don't teach you that in History lesson) even though we have 4 generations here!

Because of these people, it has taken me years to accept that; yes, I am Indian and that isn’t going to change and actually, now I am pretty darn proud of it.  

I am nervous about posting this, as I am aware that some of the most un-accepting people live on the internet but I know there are people out there who have it so so much worse than I do and speaking out is the first step. I have only experienced a glimmer of what they have but change doesn't come around if we all sit silently accepting the microaggressions against us.

My DM's on Instagram or Twitter are ALWAYS open if you ever need to talk or vent - @rippedglam on both. 

Don't ask my why the font keeps changing throughout, I have no idea why lol.